I have lost count the times I blew out my own candle,
to hide in the dark, to keep myself unseen.
But I did not know there were such lovely souls,
the seekers,
who found people like me
And let us be without criticizing.
Kindly,
Lovingly,
Softly they lit the way out,
Not a light to blinding nor a noise to frightening,
Allowing us time and space to
Re-emerge at our own pace,
In our own time.
I am ever grateful.
When I was ready; when I had had enough,
I began to dig deep and face some memories I had tried not to keep. Some parts of me had been in hiding or dressed in disguise;
Pretending to be invisible.
It took longer than I thought it might.
I had to hold myself accountable for my own part and went back to the start.
I did not realize how far away from myself I was
Until I started retracing the steps back to myself.
Healing.
You’re more likely to meet a wild one if you
Are quiet and still for they’ve lived a life since
Birth
Of danger and survival
And will not approach if they equate you with a threat.
They can sense threats and lies.
One cannot hide the scent of intentions,
And love is transparent after all.
One, two,
I am going to move today.
3, 4,
Maybe if I just roll over.
Watching my arm dangle
Off the edge of the bed,
Thinking of letting myself fall.
I wish Narnia
Was in my wardrobe.
I used to hide in the closet when I was little.
I felt safe in the dark hidden behind
The garments.
(If I was out of sight I could be forgotten)
Then,
At night I would get comfy in my blankets and plan my
Dreams before I closed my eyes.
I planned every detail;
which characters would join me, where we would go,
Who would be friend or foe.
It was fantastical.
I was usually a character in a book I read
And
I always created amazing adventures.
Comforting fantasies of exploring, friendship and love.
I hated waking up.
Often times
She wishes to hide away
(and She does)
Not because She disdains people and
Has lost all hope.
Quite the opposite,
It is
Because She loves them so.
(I do)
The first chord
And I am taken back
To days
Gone by.
Mamma cooking in the kitchen with
Her favorite apron on.
Her cheeks rosie
And heart full.
Dad sitting back on the couch,
A big grin on his face.
Christmas records playing.
And laughter echoing
Through our
Tiny trailer insulated in snow.
Neighbors, friends and family crammed in every nook
As we celebrated
The holiday season.
(cigarette smoke filled the air and alcohol flowed amidst the peaceful chaos)
We could not help but touch for there
Was no room to hide.
We did not have much
But we had each other.
Ups and downs,
Good and bad.
We wore our love without shame.
Our humanness on the inside reaching out.
Pulling each other through the endless
Cold winter nights.
Each of us our own shade of light
Together creating a beacon to keep
Warm.
We magnified each others hearts with love.
We are all born
with
Big love in our hearts.
Complete and bottomless.
We are perfect souls.
But some get trampled
And abandoned on this path,
This journey of life
And we learn to shrink love.
We hide it.
Bury it deep,
Or carry it in a cage keeping it separate
From our heart so as not to touch it
Directly.
But deny as you will,
You are stil love.
You are big, beautiful love.
And the work you do to try and hide it
Consumes every waking hour.
Every dream you dream.
Searching for love elsewhere.
Your love is good enough for you.
Open the cage
And put love back where it belongs
In your heart.
She will try not to run.
She will try not to hide.
She will try not to turn away.
She will look you in the eye.
She will listen to you speak
Of her as if she is pretty
While voices scream otherwise in her head.
She will stay when you smile at her tenderly,
Every cell in her body desiring nothing more
Than to vanish.
Her heartbeat has been rendered immobile.
Artifacts from days gone by holding every
Ventricle hostage.
She is trying to be brave.
If you knew
How the earth shook beneath her feet
When she moved,
How the thunder echoed in her ears
When she tried to speak
You would
Realize just how courageous
She is.
I see your true existence behind your eyes.
I feel the wounds.
The ache
You try to hide.
And some,
As the walk by
Believe the lies
You guard in your smile.
Not I.
And yet,
Not I.
In my world,
You keep your eyes down low
And opinions to yourself.
Don’t you dare start a fight.
In my world,
You keep your heartbeat quiet
And tiptoe around corners
So as not to disturb the false
Serenity.
In my world,
You stay on your knees.
Make yourself as small as possible
And do what does not need asking.
In my world,
You dream in the shadows.
Become the shadows
And hide any shiny hope you treasure
From thieves
Who have none of their own.
Chole Into Diamonds 