End of the line.
I met my divine nature;
The truth glaring at me.
A reflection
In a puddle of mud.
I stomp on the ground sending
Ripples through time,
The grit sticking to my heels
Making my steps heavier than
I thought possible.
My mind now stuck,
Held in unmoving animation.
Sucked into a substance
Soft and cement,
Oxygen creating suction
Strong.
Sweat trickles down into
The ground,
Pouring out
A
Liquidation
Of all I ever believed.
For weeks on end I feel like a storm.
I want to laugh
But i want to cry.
I want to scream but i do not
Wish to be heard.
And my head hurts.
It won’t stop talking to me,
Correcting me.
I get side swiped.
Knocked over.
Blind sided.
Sucked into the old patterns in my brain,
(You are Not good enough)
I try to catch the thoughts before they get organized enough to seize it all.
I cannot speak.
Noises explode in my brain.
Over stimulated and agitated.
Even my beloved music is turned off for the day.
The animals pile on me.
They know i need a different kind of warmth,
One the sun cannot provide.
I am in need of a different kind of symphony
To soothe my heart and head,
My breath, my senses;
My laughter.
A coo of insanity.
And my gut gets knotted
And the tears try to break free
(How stupid you must be)
I have to find me.
Here I will sit and simply be.
Unconcerned
And unaware of the
Rest of the world,
At least for a few moments.
At least as long as I need.
You child,
You
Are worthy of great things.
As is everyone.
Stop hanging on so stubbornly
To the ledge of unworthiness
And let yourself free fall into
All that you are.
Trust yourself.
Dive into your true form and you will
See you
Are free to fly after all;
So
Glorious.
His glow in the dark heart.
That is how I find him
Lifetime to lifetime.
Drawn to his heat signature with sensors
Internal.
Pulsating senses;
A beat unique
Underneath it all.
A calling signaling our unspoken names.
Unite.
Untie each others minds from tethers and chains;
Worldly restraints.
Stop.
Here in the vibration of stillness
Is the cure.
There is a lump in my throat today
(Cannot seem to spit it out).
I used up all of my adrenaline
A long time ago.
(Fight or flight)
Everyone is in such a hurry here.
They speed up when the light is
Red
Just to slam on their brakes and
It makes no sense.
I long to return to the mountains
And hear the ravens call my name.
(They know me well)
Summer dreams.
I think of them as my
Feet
Step on and crunch
The crispy leaves that have fallen on this path
Before me.
The lucky ones fall to the forest floor
Where no human
Makes their way.
The lucky ones;
Reabsorbed into the
Dirt.
.
I will tuck those dreams in for the winter,
To sleep now
And reawaken them in spring;
Though maybe they will have changed by then.
We might not know each other anymore,
These summer dreams and I.
And he is doing it again,
Recreating
This enlivening within me.
Dissolving.
Peeling petals back one by one.
I try to hold it down,
Keep suppressing
The fluttering inside.
I close my eyes;
I sense
Him checking my pulse;
His fingers upon my
Wrist;
His
Ear upon my chest.
Feeling,
Listening
To see if i am still here
And i am grateful.
Stopping, standing still to
Breathe.
Celebrating endings and beginnings
In the same moment.
Awash with emotion.
Holding myself steady,
Do not know if i am ready
But
It is now
Or never.
Onward I go.
One, two,
I am going to move today.
3, 4,
Maybe if I just roll over.
Watching my arm dangle
Off the edge of the bed,
Thinking of letting myself fall.
I wish Narnia
Was in my wardrobe.
I used to hide in the closet when I was little.
I felt safe in the dark hidden behind
The garments.
(If I was out of sight I could be forgotten)
Then,
At night I would get comfy in my blankets and plan my
Dreams before I closed my eyes.
I planned every detail;
which characters would join me, where we would go,
Who would be friend or foe.
It was fantastical.
I was usually a character in a book I read
And
I always created amazing adventures.
Comforting fantasies of exploring, friendship and love.
I hated waking up.
Chole Into Diamonds 